crappyness and joy

SO it's been awhile since i've blogged. I blog all the time in my head. just getting it down on Epaper has been the hard part. Specially since i got the iphone... cause i don't really use my laptop anymore which is lame. 

Things have been a lil crazy the last few weeks. And im glad. Knowing that im just about to leave for PNG really didn't help my desire to do homework. I almost skipped all my classes for the last week cause im so darn excited. But i didn't and im glad because i got some cool opportunities to talk to people about really random stuff.... of course when someone asks you what you're doing over the weekend and you tell them you're flying across the Pacific Puddle to a lil island to serve people you've never met that used to eat people not to long in the past... well... it makes for a good intro to a great story. 

Not everything has been peachy though. I believe Satan really doesn't want this trip to go forward. It's been interesting hearing where other people on the team and just around me in general are doing. Lots of people feeling really attacked and crabby and frustrated. I am definitely in that category. Im not doing well in my english class, which is new for me. Im used to being able to get through a class with relatively little effort. For the first time, im truly struggling with the way my professor wants me to write his papers. And little silly things are frustrating me. 

The cool thing is being able to be joyful during these times when everything isn't just peachy. I am not gonna lie... i've really struggled with some anger and frustration over the course of this week, but even during those times, in the back of my head, i was reminded of verses that talk about trial and rejoicing in it and being able to stand thanks to Christ's help and just plenty of other great passages to help me even as i was struggling and sinning. 

I leave for PNG in 2 days. That's CRAZY. But awesome. I really am praying that God will break me down to the most basic level and just allow me to be a servant and nothing more on this trip. That is my prayer. IF that means ridiculous suffering, or just behind the scenes serving, i hope that i come back a changed person and can say that i brought all glory to my Savior Jesus Christ on this trip. 

Valentine's

So yesterday was great... 

I thought it was just gonna be another day. I really didn't have anything interesting planned, and i was enjoying the thought of sitting on the couch watching movies.

Awesome how God takes your plans and makes them His own. My roommate Chaz was going to make dinner out in Glendale, and i got the opportunity to go with him. I wasn't sure what i was in for, but it was better than sitting around being a lazy bum. So, i headed out and had one of the best Vday experiences of my life. 

It turns out i was part of a super secret plot to surprise the girls of Collide with a dinner in their honor at Dave Zareno's parents house. We got there about 4 and spent the next 3 hours preparing. We moved couches blew up 2000000 balloons, a bunch of the guys cooked, and some were making cards and prepping music for the evening's festivities. It was really enjoyable. 

I was most intrigued by the fact that it didn't really matter who it was for. I knew it was people that i was acquainted with, but that wasn't the reason i was doing it. I was more happy to be serving anyone. Needless to say it was worth it. The girls got out of the limos that had been rented for them and into the house just in time for us guys to start taking steak and pasta orders. The rest of the night.... well... that's history. 

The point is, the more i realize that my job is to be available for God's using as an instrument, the easier it is to go about my day. I have a purpose and i know what it is. The dumb thing is i sometimes don't want to do what i know is right. It conflicts my head and i need it to start a fight with my heart because that's where the change can actually happen. More to come but that's good enough for now. 

music of the night

I finally got to see Phantom on Broadway! It was soo o o o good that i wanted to hide out in the theater or have them start over when they were done or something. And I got to eat at Roscoe's Chicken N Waffles... holy monkey that's good food. Whoever came up with that idea is one smart cookie.

But anyway, the play was awesome. It was very well done and the performers did really well. The crazy thing was that about three quarters of the way through, i completely spaced out in the middle of a great song and my brain went crazy thinking... does anyone else ever have that happen... is it easier to think at nighttime? Im pretty sure it must be.

Anyways, this all went down after my Wednesday Communication (aka preaching) class. It's so encouraging to go to class and get the opportunity to hear 6 of your peers encourage you with what God has been teaching them through the Scriptures. Something that seemed to be a common theme last night came back in the middle of that play. It was a question of how often we can't stop talking about the computer game that we're playing, or the schoolwork that we have due, or whatever distraction that Satan has us thinking about (even good things fall into this category). I was blown away by how easily i can get hooked on talking about my problems or sports or girls, and how rarely i run the rabbit trail of God-centered conversation.

The cool thing was that it came up when i would least expect it. It wasn't while i was silently pondering the mysteries of the universe. It was in the middle of something i was enjoying completely. God decided to use that time, my time if you will, to remind me that all time is His time and He wants to be a larger part of my thoughts and conversation. It wasn't epic or writing on the wall. If was just a subtle thought. Now i just need to pray that He will help me to act on it. That's the best part. Without His help, I have no chance of pulling that off.

4am

I get a new joy at work. I get to start @ 4:30 instead of 5 now. That means i get to get up at 4 instead of 4:30. Yay!

I like the early morning and all because it's peaceful and the roads are empty and the lights are all green. But i don't like the early morning .. because it's so close to the nighttime when im sleeping.

What does this have to do with anything important? i haven't figured that out yet. That's the part about blogging or journaling that i need to come up with. Why do i do it? Is this a project so i can look back on my thoughts later? Am i doing this to entertain people? hmmm....

So i definately think that im overcommitted this semester. Having 6 classes (4 @ Moorpark and 2 @ EBC) and my internship with the Rock is quite the pile. That doesn't include the 30 hours/week im at work or the flag football league im trying to start or helping with the planning for intramural sports @ Simi High. The thought that i'm leaving for PNG in 2 1/2 weeks hasn't set in yet either, but i know i have a TON to do for homework before i leave for that. Sleep has definitely taken a back seat to homework and working out and whatnot.

The cool thing is that im wanting to pray for things like strength and rest instead of less homework and more time to myself. I haven't felt completely wrecked yet which is a good thing. Normally after 2 days of 3-4 hours sleep im pretty out of it, especially when i wake up to go to work.

God,

you know my wants, and you know my Needs.
Please help me to be able to differentiate. Im terrible at that.

M

love

So i spent this weekend in Washington... because it's always nice to get home once every 8 months or so... 

But this time i was headed there for a funeral... An amazing lady named MaryAnn Gambill went home to be with Jesus just recently. I have never been to a longer memorial service. IT WAS AMAZING. 4 hours later i really didn't want it to be over. I first met her when i was 4. She was the counselor at the high school where my mom had just gotten a job. And she quickly became my new best friend. She had a neverending bowl of candy. I couldn't figure it out. Here i was, "sneaking" in at least once every afternoon (and by sneaking i mean walking in with a cute little grin and seeing how many reece's peanut butter cups i could fit in my little hand. 

But as someone at the service put it, MaryAnn didn't do it to increase the hyperactivity of one 4  year old, nor was it just for me. As i heard throughout the afternoon, so many people were attracted to that office by the "counseling" or the candy jar, that they may or may not have understood the real purpose for Mrs. Gumball being there. She was there to show you how much Jesus loved EVERYONE. And she didn't tell you about it. She LIVED it. 

I'm not a super emotional person, but i have never had more goosebumps and tears in such a short period of time. This woman took the call to love literally and spent her entire life as i would learn, living out what Jesus asked her to do. She planned her own memorial service, piece by piece, starting with balloons and beautiful flowers, all the way down to the songs that were sung, to be here final party. A party celebrating what God had done in her life, and not with just a few of her close friends. With everyone of her friends, whether they could be in that auditorium or not. 

I don't love people enough. Im not getting down on myself. Im challenging myself in front of anyone who ever reads this that i need to get my bum in gear and stop being a selfish jerkoid.(mattism) Is it hard for anyone else? Why can't it be exciting for me to always find out how each person is doing. Be there to listen.... be hurt when someone is hurting. I've been praying for that recently, and i trust that God will help me begin to walk in that direction. Mrs. Gambill, i didn't realize it til now, but you have done so much for me, even if i didn't figure it out until you had gone to see Jesus. I love you, and i miss you. I pray that i never forget you or your example....

Matthew

Real

I wonder if my prayers are to myself sometimes. That's scary. I know that i mention God's name in them and all, but what if im praying those things because i want to hear them or something crazy like that!

Last night i had a really good prayer time right before i went to bed. I've found that trying to pray while laying in bed and turning out the light is in reality just ... falling asleep. So i crawled out of my blankets (where i was in fact attempting to write an english paper), and i made it a point to pray out loud. Im not saying that because i did this i felt God's presence more, or that anything really different happened. I think my feet fell asleep because i was sitting on them, but that's about all i got.

But it wasn't about the response that i got. That wasn't the point. It was more just a realization that i had that because what i believe is true, that God was there in my room with me. He didn't have to show Himself to me for me to know that. Im not saying it wouldn't be easier or cooler or amazinger (Mattism!!) to sit face to face and have a chat with the Almighty Creator of the universe. But that's not the way that He has chosen to reveal Himself to me right now.

That's all i got. Just another day in the life of....

Mattism- amazinger -

Over committed

It's Wednesday. I feel like there's so many things that i should be doing right now. I don't mean obvious things like sleeping. I mean things to be done. I definately suffer from OCS (Over committed syndrome) .. the problem is... i want to do EVERYTHING! Right now, i have a trip to Papua New Guinea which magically has time warped to being 3 weeks away, a flag football league that im trying to get nailed down and started, a 4-6 page paper for tomorrow that I have yet to start, the high school guys that im discipling, going home for a funeral this weekend... and the list goes on.

Let me just say, that i REALLY want to do all these things. This is not supposed to be a complaint. But when is it too much? I know that God prepared in advance good works for me to accomplish. The question im beggining to ask myself is, "How much of this is for His glory, and how much of it is for mine."

hmm....

Night time- the right time?

I love night time. And darkness. If you worked with me you would know that i spend the first hour and a half of my day (from 5am to 6:30) with the lights in my office turned off. Im sure im slowly decimating my eyes because i'm also staring at a computer screen the entire time, but it really helps me relax and think.

I've noticed recently that i tend to be in a much more thoughtful mood when it's dark as well. Life just seems so simple in darkness. And i think that might be because we aren't busy looking @ everything that is going on all around us. During the day, with the sun shining down and so much going on in the world, it's really easy to get distracted. And, with my self declared ADD (lol) anything shiny grabs my attention. I notice the difference the most when im riding my motorcycle to work in the mornings. Im riding along and the thing i know that i need to be looking at is the road in front of me. The headlights don't go super far, but just far enough so that i can see any obstacles that I'm approaching. I get bored sometimes and stare up at the stars for a few seconds, but for the most part, i am looking intently ahead. Yes, the analogy is easy to see, but it's so true.

I've also noticed that at night, i want to make a lot more decisions. Things seem so easy and clearcut. My God wants me to follow Him, and i should be doing that and here's how.... do this.... ok, i will.... GOOD. The problem comes when the light and the distractions of my life come back and i'm really praying that God will strengthen me and help me to pursue the holiness that He desires for me.

Prayer Warrior :-/

I've been trying something new. A friend encouraged me to wake up early and pray before i head off to work. This would be a great idea if i loved the morning... unfortunately ... i don't...

It would also be a great idea if work didn't start @ 5am :-/ But regardless of that lovely news, i've been trying. I set my alarm for 4am every morning, and i really have been attempting to pray for those next 45 minutes until i leave for work. I've run into a problem though. I keep falling asleep again.

It could have something to do with the fact that i don't get out of bed. And i have been makiong progress. I only lasted about 2 minutes... long enough to get to, "God thank you for a good night's rest........zzzz" the first morning. This morning (unless i dreamed it) i made it about 10 minutes.

This just reminds me of how often i make myself the star of the show. Everything revolves around me i tell the Creator of the universe who always has and always will be. "You're playing 2nd fiddle for the next 40-70 years so you better get used to it."

I remember my Mom used to have a great solution for my love of bed. She would take a jug of water and lovingly dump it in my bed so i couldn't do my go back to sleep ritual.... i don't know if i should tell everyone that my solution for this was to jump out of bed and go fall back asleep in her bed ... cause it kind of give me an out for what im suggesting... but maybe ill rig a glass of water over my head and skip showers ...hmmm.

First time Jitters

I haven't done this before. Im not usually the one who goes and throws his thoughts into the world of cyberspace, or anywhere else for that matter. But im going to try. Not just so that i can have people read what i have to say. More so, i want to hear what other people think. 

About a thousand times a day, questions flood my mind. And most of them deal with life and why in the world it functions the way it does. Whether it's crazy California drivers, or why in the world people go to the gym every day and stay there until they're in pain....  Strange. 

I spent an afternoon and evening today sitting in front of a tv and eating. I know im an American now. I didn't even care which team won the superbowl, but my natural inclination was to pick a team and root for them because that's what everyone else was doing. Nothing wrong with that, but is there any better way i could spend my time. 

Lately i've been wondering why i can't do that same thing with my Bible, or my God. I have great resolutions, and i'm not saying im a complete failure. I just want SO MUCH to love my Creator and instead i find myself loving the TV and sleep and so much more that in the end will be burned up and worthless. 

How can i find the same love for my God that i have for the things that He created????

I know i just started this blog and so there's noone reading it, but that's ok. Maybe i just made this to read my own thoughts. We shall see. My prayer is that somehow, writing these things down will help me remember the challenges i give to myself. And maybe, someone will accidentally come across this and it might get them thinking too.